Day 23: The feeling/thought of having ‘Got it’.

Day 23: The feeling/thought of having ‘Got it’.

 

A memory comes up of being at school.

At my desk in the math’s room, I have a teacher standing over me behind my right shoulder. He is looking at my work. He asks me to go through the steps I made to get to where I’ve got. The practical tone of his voice puts me at ease. I start at the beginning, which is where I have faltered, so I go into a mumble. He puts his finger on the page. He explains the steps I need to take, and while he speaks, I understand. It seems quite simple. This warmth of feeling comes over me that I get support, individual attention, and the emotions of fear and being trapped alone in my confusion all evaporate. I see in this situation a kind of intimacy, that here is an adult being that actually tunes into my personal dilemma. Within this feel-good, I am listening and following his words and I nod my head as if I get it, and I feel that I am getting it but secretly I am more concerned with the pleasure of this feeling. I like his finger, I notice how he cuts his nails, I like his voice, and I like it that there is suddenly this option in my world of stability and calm. And then I hear him ask me if I get it, and I say yes. I do not know if I get it or not, but I do not want to displease him. As he moves away, my understanding of the work seems to move off with him.

 

Here I see myself letting go of the task in front of me of learning through absorbing information and integrating it step by step into my body, because I am distracted and pre-occupied with emotion and feeling.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on my task of learning by believing in my mind that I already know what it is I learn.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in thoughts of understanding in my mind in which I am satisfied by an idea of already ‘knowing’ without ever actually having learned.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a relationship with a teacher in which I fear that he might find out that I do not understand.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility for my feelings and emotions and my stress in my physical body by accepting and allowing myself to be put at ease by the tonality of a voice.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have failed a task when really I have not even focused on what I have before me because I am preoccupied and distracted in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my mind the thought ‘I understand’ when really I am just resonating with the words I hear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility for my feelings by accepting and allowing positivity in myself because I get ‘support’ or approval of an other.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be trapped by fear, and for not allowing myself to realize that this is me accepting and allowing myself to be overpowered by something that doesn’t even exist.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to understand that this negativity and positivity is all the same energy that swings one way or another and that it is what I am accepting and allowing myself to be.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the opportunity of instruction in my task as an opportunity to be rescued from my own negativity to get into positivity so that I can feel good about myself again, while still putting responsibility for my feelings onto an other, and completely missing the purpose of why I am there.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the opportunity of contact with this teacher as an opportunity to have a friend in which I am liked and can then feel better about myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for this need I have accepted and allowed to be ‘liked’, resulting in feeling shame about my pleasure in having the teacher stand beside me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe this thought that comes up in me that ‘I get it’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this ‘positive’ feeling of having ‘got it’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in school and situations of learning to have become pre-occupied with relationships.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hear in the voice of my teacher the possibility of stability and calm and to be attracted to it and effected by it and I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that these are qualities which I could give to myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for lying to my teacher about understanding what it is I have to do, so as not to displease him, so that I can fit into this image of being ‘likeable’ to him, and I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see that really I am angry with myself that I deceived myself in believing the thought in my mind that ‘I understood’, and I am angry with myself that I am ashamed that I never really checked whether I understood or not because I was more concerned with pleasing him.

 

I commit myself to oust these constructs in my mind through which I have allowed myself to be so destructive to the process of my learning.

 

see: Heaven’s Journey to Life

and: Creation’s Journey to Life

And other Journey to Life  blogs

Desteni.org

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~ by adamsblogs on May 10, 2012.

One Response to “Day 23: The feeling/thought of having ‘Got it’.”

  1. Quite interesting, it just reminded me when I would get the same experience wherein I would be apparently ‘getting it ‘ while getting some form of confirmation of me being ‘on the right path,’ and suddenly becoming absolutely distracted because of being more immersed into my own energetic fluffiness than caring about hearing to the following instructions to complete the task at hand.

    This is a similar experience when talking to strangers on the street and asking for directions, wherein the initial shyness to ‘talk to a stranger’ would cloud the ability to hear and remember the instructions clearly, simply because I would be more focused on not blushing or portraying myself as cool and calm, instead of practically hearing to the answer that had lead me to create the entire point of communication in the first place.

    Cool points shared here, thanks Adam.

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