Day 18: Lost in Space
In the mind, nothing real, but only energy. ‘Lost in Space’ I might have called this aspect of the Rotten Fruit, or lost in energy as mind.
Early stages of the rotten fruit from the Rotten Tree of Life.
I never considered how I came to be thought in my mind as a child, perhaps I assumed ‘it had always been so’, but the question never arose. Like as in a slow process of integration out of sleep, I woke up one morning and there I was, without such things as questions, yet.
A memory I kept throughout the years is one in which I hide inside a coal-box while my father hunts for me. He is angry because I forgot that he was going to pick me up in his car from school, and I am angry with myself that I forgot. It is as if I have taken his special present to me and dashed it on the floor. Inside this box, in fear, inside this brand new secret mind, I pray to God to save me.
This memory is like a piece of evidence that I myself have saved. Evidence that this me as mind in creation of relationships was already underway. When I say relationships a picture in my mind comes up, a picture of frame-works, structures. Already a relationship of me to god and god to me, god as this benevolence, as this secret consolation, watching me and hearing me from somewhere in the sky, and connected in with god, pictures from Sunday School of Jesus with a child on his lap and children round him, rabbits, animals and flowers and sunny-days. And God a bit sad that he could not help me, but at least he knew that I was there, inside a coal-box in a garden, somewhere down on Earth. And me to God, the victim of fear, in this relationship to fear that I had accepted and allowed, as well the victim of my own forgetfulness and self judged guilt of having been absorbed in day dreams and preoccupations in my mind. I clenched up tight into a ball and longed escape from this reality.
Longing for god to help me to escape from this reality; ‘He knows I am not bad’. In this primary relationship that I have made of me to the world, there is no reality at all, there is this ‘god’ that does not exist, and me as ‘fear’ that does not exist, there is this ‘badness’ that does not exist, there is this longing for something in the future that does not exist; none of it is real, all of it just thought and energy, pictures and beliefs. This is me in the beginnings of an existence here on Earth, in which already I have accepted myself as not here, not real, not life or Earth, but as secret energy relationships in the systems of a mind.
Within ‘He knows I am not bad’, is folded up comparison, another link in this relationship, into which enters my father, who does not know ‘that I am not bad’. In physical reality there is this man, calling out and looking for this child, but I believe in my mind that I have caused these feelings in him, that I have caused this anger which I believe to be real, that I have hurt him by forgetting all about his special gift of picking me up from school. Quite by mistake in this relationship, I have overlooked him and have made him small and I fear the consequence. What I want from him is his affection, and I have put at risk the possibility of that. For me to be the small one here as a child in the lap of jesus in the picture, valued, included, and for him to know, like in my picture of God, that I am Here. And what am I to do to get this reward of his affection, but be ‘good’, not slight him as I fear I’ve done, but be grateful for his favours. I want to manipulate him, to make him how I want him to be towards me, towards me like he is towards my sisters, I do not want to be like one of his troops in his imaginary army which seems to be how he wants to be towards his boys.
In writing about this I realize how I was in a relationship of opposition with my father that in order to get the affection and recognition or his attention so that I could grow and strengthen and become more of who I am, I accepted and allowed that I would have to play this part for him, to fit myself into his imagination, in effect to skip the childhood bit, and ‘just’ ‘be’ a ‘man’. I accepted and allowed myself to play this part to please him, ‘not to rock the boat’ as he would have said. That my duty was towards my family in this ‘voyage’, to not ‘upset’ the others, to not ‘cause’ the stirring of emotion. So gradually as a system of the mind I evolved this secrecy of who I was, believing my expression to be offensive in a way, that it would tend to ‘cause’ reactions.
Well I’ve drifted far ahead from where I started with this memory, from inside a coal box. But I see now that even in these early days of me how this belief that I am responsible for the feelings of others was already accepted and allowed by me within and as my mind. I see now how in my mind I had already formed a relationship with something that was not real, called God, who I had caused in my mind to become sad. I see now how in my mind I had created a reality in which I had ‘made’ my father angry, in which he was ‘hunting’ me down.
Another thing. There is another dimension to this memory as I bring it here; the smell of coal and humid earth, and cobwebs, the smell of creosote, and watery wood. Enjoy. This memory-tag reminds me that even while involved in this insanity, that I am Here.