Day 10: “You can’t go blogging dressed like that.”

 

I get a feeling like congestion in my body, knowing that if I put my thoughts into words they will be from out of this possession that I have accepted and allowed as who I am. There are two issues here: the issue of me as this cloud of self judgement as the mind, which tells me to not do it, and there is also a realistic caution about what I am transmitting here in words because what I am doing is taking responsibility for myself as this creation point.

Sometimes it is clear to me that this Self, in the intimacy of me, is as the starting point through which I am Here, and nothing more. And then as in the course of this morning and now, that clarity has gone, and I am struggling to find my way through this world of definitions and consequences of me in the context of this mind and this body that I have manifested along the way.

Suddenly I am getting backchat of this ilk going on, “You can’t go out blogging dressed like that, I mean look at yourself with that ridiculous personality, what do you think you like?” Putting it like that it seems to me quite funny, but the blueprint of such a phrase possibly said by a parent or a nanny to me or to a sibling, and carrying with it an impulse of concern and fear and a tremor of self doubt, replaying in my mind both as a warning and as a judgement, I accepted and allowed to be, as ‘I can’t write my blog in this state.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let go of my trust in myself because I see myself as different from moment to moment in the fluctuations of my writings and for not allowing myself to see that I am in a process in which my understandings become more specific and the definitions which I have accepted change and within that what seems to be self honest in one day seems less so the next.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not in a fit state to write a blog in self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only be self-honest when I am in a special ‘state’, and that I cannot be self honest about what is happening here wherever and however I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I express who I am in words right now that I will be transmitting impulses not in support of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I may express because I have judged who I am as bad and thus I cannot write about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge who i am in my current state as being bad and thus I cannot write about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are different rules about how I can appear inside and how can I appear outside, and that I cannot simply walk outside without checking ‘how I look’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I simply walk outside or express myself in the world as me without checking my appearance then I will in some way let my family down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I simply walk outside or express myself in the world as me without checking my appearance then people will think less of me because of my appearance and how I present myself, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think less of myself if people think less of me and for judging myself according to the expectations of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not allowing myself to see the difference between back-chat and actual real caution in consideration of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not allowing myself to see and realize how it is that I am judging myself and that within this I am sabotaging my self trust.

Thanks to Gian, my Desteni I Process Buddy for his support in me supporting myself into this one, many points raised here.

see also: Heaven’s Journey to Life

and: Creation’s Journey to Life

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