Just sitting here at the keyboard, I breathe. Somehow today I’ve gotten into a sort of high, being in a space where nothing’s the same and everything’s the same all at once and I am not familiar with me. I am ok about being unfamiliar with me, and I breathe myself down from this high feeling; I focus my attention on my fingertips as they touch the physical surfaces, which are all remaining reliably and constantly there. I am glad about the simplicity of this. And I am as my body the same as physical, here.
I had a relationship with feeling high. I took acid a few times, maybe a dozen times when I was younger, it became a relationship, and I stopped it when all that I could see right in front of me all the time was my judgement, and it was a judgement of the experience as being irrelevant. What I meant by that was that I could see no way of applying or connecting anything of this experience to anything else, and in that sense it was like the fascination of a bubble. This was an experience of myself as the mind. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see and realize how in becoming this bubble of mind energy I had become irrelevant to life.
A question that I never asked myself on coming down from this high, and being in this ‘ordinary’ ‘everyday’ life experience again was a question that came up listening to Anu 19…What was it instead that I was seeing in front of my eyes all the time, in the familiar experience of me? That is, what is the unseen point right in front of me that is the focus of my everyday distraction and pre-occupation, that spot that I endeavor to look around and behind and underneath and over, but never directly at? Or else like an image of myself through which I look as a veil that I never actually see?
Looking here at a moment of the day, an example of this: I was walking along and I spotted a clump of daisies and dandelions on a piece of waste-ground. The sunshine had suddenly pierced the clouds and picked them out like a spotlight so that they glowed. I crossed the road to look at them. Then my mind shifted into thoughts of wishing I had a camera with me, thoughts of what kind of a picture they would make, how I could use it, how I could extract an image from this event. And though I was actually standing there right in front of them, I was no longer here but in my mind, in an illusion of the future in which I was looking at a photograph of what had happened, and maybe sharing it on Facebook, incorporating it into relationships or as a representation of myself. Look this is an aspect of my specialness, here I am as a ‘clump’ of ‘daisies’ and ‘dandelions’, a sunny moment on a piece of waste-ground.
What had been right in front of me as this spot of distraction and preoccupation had been this unseen and fearful judgement of myself as worthlessness, having visions of validation as something special, this sparkling treasure of the wasteland.
I commit myself to this process of walking out of and releasing myself from energy.
I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself in stopping consciousness.
I commit myself specifically to dismantling and deconstructing and deprogramming this self of judgement that I have accepted myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in arrogance and spite by committing myself to and as my own judgement according to my own world of energy and self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that one life can be compared to another and measured on a scale of value according to a system of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and be as the support of a world of inequality in which life has been graded into values other than the value of life as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a value other than life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a world of competition and jealousy because I have graded life according to my judgement as a system of the mind into values other than life as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear and anger because I have committed myself to my own definition of myself as judgement of the mind through which my own beingness as life is disregarded and uncomprehended and undermined and destabilized and diminished.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear of seeing myself through the eyes of my own self judgement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in secrecy within myself because I fear to be seen as what I am according to the judgement of my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to commit myself to this ‘who I am’ as defined within the context of my mind.
I commit myself to being here in each moment with my breath as this breath in the realization that it is only through the practice of this that I can implement my decision to no longer participate in consciousness and walk out of this energy into and with my human physical body. When and as I become distracted into my mind, I do not judge myself, I stop I breathe, I bring myself gently back to my commitment here in each moment with my breath. I walk in the awareness that what I accept and allow for myself I accept and allow for all and that therefore my responsibility for myself extends to all others.