Day1: What is Here? Fear of Commitment.
Day I. There it is, I wrote it.
While the words ‘Day 1’ were in my mind, they were held back for ‘consideration’ into a possible veto area of the mind. There was a fear involved. A fear of commitment. Fear that if I committed myself to write out in EVERY day, then I would have no choice but to do so. So fear of letting go of this back-door of ‘if I feel like it’, fear of letting go of a placeholder for some excuse or other. The back-chat here is also, ‘when you fail to do so, then you will feel terrible’. I was about to write ‘and’ but the rest of the back-chat seems to be for a moment not available for recall. Here now comes up another ‘sound-advice from the mind’ type of thought, it goes, ‘If you can’t remember exactly what was going on in your mind just now, is it really such a good idea to write it out, why not leave it till you remember?’ Here an attempt to open up my own pattern of procrastination.
This ‘if I feel like it’ is a banner of this system of myself as this being that is directed by energy. ‘Feel’ in this context is a slippery word. The implication of ‘doing what I like’, because ‘above’ all else I am ‘free will’ and as such, IF a feeling should happen to be there which I like, then I will do it.
But really where is the free-will in ‘IF a feeling comes up’? In ‘IF a feeling is one that I like, I do it, and IF the feeling is one that I don’t like, I don’t do it’, there is no free will at all, I am according to my own self definition of ‘free-willed’, actually committed to my enslavement to energy, as me directed by good or bad feelings. So along with this fear of commitment there is a fear of loss of who ‘I am’ as this commitment to this dubious ‘free-will’ that I have defined myself as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fear in my participation with it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear with the word commitment and in so doing define commitment in separation from myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the word commitment a negative charge.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear commitment by defining commitment as ‘having no escape’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within having fear of commitment as ‘no escape’ to have accepted and allowed myself as fear of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stating what I shall do as self direction regardless of what feelings may arise within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the self definition that I have attempted to live within my habitual commitment to follow the directions of thoughts as back-chats, desires and fears as if they were me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘having no choice’ and for not allowing myself to see realize and understand that the choice I fear losing has been no choice at all, but reactions.
In my commitment to Self Realization as Life I am stating that I am dedicated to this cause, to this activity, to this undertaking, to write out what is Here. This writing of myself out in self-honesty is a tool in the process of the self realization of me as Life, through which I come to see what I have been accepting and allowing in myself in my mind, in my pattern as a human being , and then forgive myself and correct myself as the systems that I have lived, and through this walk the change.
I do not accept or allow this connection of ‘fear’ to commitment, which is my own self-sabotage of my implementation of my own change of me directed by me.
EVERY day I walk this process out of the fuzzy logic which I have accepted as a sort of comfortability in myself as ‘who I am’, through writing what is Here, through this commitment of myself here into the words, through examination of the words I live in my mind, so that in these words and definitions I may see and understand the very programming itself that I have accepted and allowed as me.