Day 123: Negative judging Positive and Positive judging Negative
Today, starting on the judgments of myself that I have given a positive charge of energy to.
Here I realize that I have in fact judged my positively judging of me as negative, in the sense that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame and wish to hide and keep as secret my positive opinions and judgments about myself, believing that it is wrong or bad to hold ‘good’ opinions or positive judgments about myself.
Seeing and realizing how it is that I have become a system of consciousness, therefore in my mind I ‘should’ really be completely disapproving of myself as this consciousness that is not in support of life. That I am ‘wrong’ as a consciousness system, and would be ‘right’ as Life. Here I see an updated morality system just superimposed onto new knowledge and information. And in a way, this is superficial, because the nitty gritty is that I would be deeply like deeply in the depths of my physical, ‘wrong’, to be doing anything that would be a serious threat to the consciousness itself, like realizing myself as who I am as Life.
I am quite tricky in this ‘wrongness’, because I can see how in for example seeing and realizing that I am doing something that is not in support of myself as life, that it works as a backdoor for me to accept and allow my self conditioned response of ‘this is wrong’ as a perspective on it, because then I open up and feed the polarity of my righteousness to actually do what is ‘wrong’ out of a principle of retaliation towards my own oppression. These must be the mechanics of how I sabotage myself. And yet within the nitty-gritty situation of a threat to consciousness I do not retaliate, I accept the ‘wrongness’ as an absolute, and then bounce back into an absolute righteousness of self-interest, and act again in service to my secret mind.
How did I support this wrongness as an absolute within my mind? Here I can see how I accepted and allowed myself to blend my interpretations of the morality of society with the religious stories, where wrongness and sin combine, and I can see my acceptance and allowance of this and positive judgment of this within a hope in my mind that ultimately there ‘should’ be eventually this combination and no difference between what we live in physical reality and the teachings of Jesus. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my mind that what Jesus had to say was ‘right’ and ‘good’ and way out ahead and something to be aspired towards, and yet unreachable, and for completely misunderstanding the actual message of life and of equality and oneness that the real physical being Jesus had attempted to share and to demonstrate, and to be a living example of.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to absorb the words of the gospels, as positive energy experiences and realizations in my mind in which I would hide from the realities of my physical life. In this way the gospels became like my favorite TV series that I would watch and return to this experience of myself as hope and goodness and altogether in another reality that I had made up in my mind of a sunny land with palm trees and simple parables and this man Jesus walking comfortably with himself amongst humanity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ‘wrong’ because I accepted and allowed myself to fear anything that could remove the validity of my positive experience of myself that I had chosen in being ‘right’.
Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing my positive experience of myself through fear of losing it.
I commit myself to deconstruct, unravel and release this addiction to energy in all its aspects.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect up my ‘wrongness’ and ‘rightness’ to the cosmic standards of an almighty god that I had accepted and allowed within my mind as real.
Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being wrong to an image in my mind of the ‘wrath’ of God that I had read about in stories and believed, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately amplify my own fear of being ‘wrong’ through evoking images in my mind of the ‘wrath’ of God.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘wrath’ is justified by righteousness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear anger, and to automatically judge myself in the face of anger.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to constantly realize and understand that justification is a tool that I have accepted and allowed to make things apparently ‘right’, so that I have used it as a guide to ease myself into following my self interest, which is the interests of myself as a system of the mind as consciousness.
I commit myself to slow down and to remain within the pace of my physical breath. Realizing and understanding that these justifications are lies that I accept and allow, I commit myself to stop and breathe when they come up, so that I can assist and support myself in being Here, and to not follow through into the energy accumulation that these justifications support.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose my positive experiences that I have designed for myself within my mind by giving values that I have chosen through my belief in myself as the judge of my reality, in which I have accepted and allowed an existence for myself not as life but in spite of life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself in and as the negative experiences that I have designed for myself through the same belief in myself as the judge of my reality and for through this fear in which I have abdicated my responsibility, I have accepted and allowed without question the positive experience alternative as something that I desire and want to keep and hold onto and protect, not realizing that the more and more I do this, I feed the energetic opposite that grows inside me secretly beneath the layers of my own suppression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize or see or understand that in abdicating from my responsibility as myself as life in order to become the god of my own self interested reality, that I have in fact gone into competition with this imaginary god, and therefore am in fear of his reprisal, and this ‘god’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear is actually my projection of my abdicated responsibility, therefore I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with and to fear my own responsibility that I have rejected.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a retaliatory character that retaliates against my own oppression, within which I have accepted and allowed myself to rather than work with the mind as myself, to separate myself from it and engage with battling it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that in this process I am in fact energizing the mind and giving away my power to the mind, and in so doing, acting so as to protect and to preserve its existence as consciousness.
I commit myself to realize and understand and take back my responsibility for the ways that I accept and allow myself to sabotage myself.
I commit myself to change this relationship I have made with my own mind.
I commit myself to walk this process of realization that what I accept and allow as my relationship to the mind, is what I accept and allow as the relationships of all as me to the mind, and that therefore in committing me to walk out of consciousness into the physical and life, I am committing me to walk with all humanity into the physical and life, and into a world that we can direct as one as what is best for all.
The Quantum Mind
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